What I tell myself is that I am content being single. And oddly enough, this is true. Am I content to not have a significant other? Not precisely. I am simply content with singularity. Please don’t attempt to convince me there’s an inherent contradiction in this, because I am aware of its presence.
I merely know that somehow, both statements are true. I miss the loveliness that is being in a relationship, being somebody’s someone. However, in my current state I am only my own person. Any attempts to further explain this result in what sounds like an attempt to convince someone, perhaps myself, but that does not make it any less true.
It is not that I find advantages to being single and enjoy those advantages. No, if it comes to that, a relationship trumps.
Rather, I know that being single is exactly where I need to be right now. I am on an incomprehensible journey to figure out who Jenna Pirrie is again. I think I had an answer to that, at some point, maybe before I graduated. College changed everything, and while I am insanely grateful for that, I still haven’t figured out who I became in that transition.
Where is the reputation of intelligence I once held? Nowadays, I far too often allow my offhand, hyperactive, facetious side take over in conversations. Passion for anything failed me for a while there, and motivation simply dumped me and left for another girl. You could use this moment as an example, when I should be doing homework, but alternatively I see writing here to be just as imperative for this journey I’m talking about as keeping up with my workload.
So if I’m trying to figure myself out, is it possible that being single is the best state to maintain? That is quite exactly what I’m thinking. Maybe I could do that just as well in a romantic relationship, but maybe not. This journey is personal, despite the help close friends have given me. Thank you, by the way. But yes, perhaps the matter are not as directly related as I suppose.
Relationships are complicated things. I am quite willing to attempt this sort of complicated thing given, well, the right man, but why strive to add complications to an already complicated state of mind?
Do I sound like I am trying to convince myself of the merits of being single? Perhaps. The fact remains: I am working through this incredible process, and the stress of a crush – of wondering, and feeling insecure in whether or not that person knows, doesn’t know, cares, or doesn’t care – is silly, and really only endangers a friendship, if one was preexisting.
As a woman who would prefer to be pursued by a man she’s attracted to, rather than pursuing him, I have come to realize that being content with my current Facebook relationship is, for me, a choice I make, not a state of mind that just happens. I choose to enjoy this chapter in my life, for I must. I must, because in doing so, I will have jumped one more hurdle in my path to becoming who I want to be.
And now, I have a confession. It is incredibly late, or at least it feels as if it is. I have not gotten adequate sleep, and this topic is simply one that was on my mind and needed escape. I am not even certain that it coherently expresses my thoughts, but at least I attempted. Hopefully, no young man will assume from this that I am choosing a life of spinsterhood and wish to be left alone – exactly the opposite. In reality I battle the inherent need to love and be loved, and lately my beautifully platonic relationships leave me wanting. I simply don’t want to be left wanting – I want to feel complete no matter if I remain single or not. I desire confidence in who I am, not who others view me to be, and not in who I think others view me to be. But in me – a lovely creation of an intelligent Artist who made me the way I am for some incomprehensible reason – a reason I want to discover.
But like all journeys, this one will be made a tad sweeter if embarked upon well rested. And with that, I bid you adieu.